Alison's Breast Cancer Diary
Feelings after diagnosis, surgery, and chemo-therapy

13 December - Surgery Day drama
What a lovely day.  We were to be at the private hospital at 7:30 am.  Naturally I had not eaten or drunk anything since the previous night as requested by the surgeon.  While waiting in the waiting room there was another couple also waiting.  We each had our little overnight bags and the woman was quietly sobbing.  Was she also going to lose her breast?  I wasn't crying at the loss of my breast.  I felt calm because this was the day the malignant lump that would kill me, if it remained untouched where it was, would be removed.  This day was the last day for surgery by my excellent surgeon until the New Year when he returned from his holidays.  If he didn't operate today my lump which they thought would have already moved to invade the lymph nodes would be with me until 10 January.  The moment the diagnosis had been made, only the week before, Richard and I were really keen to have that lump removed.

In a few moments I was taken to my room, given a little tour of it and the bathroom and asked to change into my gown.  My operation would be at 8:45 am.  The surgeon came in to remind me what the process of surgery would be.  The anaesthetist came in for a visit to introduce himself.  He was a very nice man.  The nurse came in to discuss the surgery and then she asked me what my operation was for and what procedures I was having.  "A Mastectomy and Axillary Dissection", I dutifully replied and then she was satisfied that I knew why I was taking time out from the office.  I guess they have to get it right.

All the staff and medical professionals treated me with kindness and dignity.

My surgeon came back dressed in his operating attire.  I was beginning to feel a tad nervous.  Even as I tap these words out that feeling of apprehension is coming back.  He put a little mark on my left breast and went over the procedure one more time.  It was half an hour before the surgery.  Then I casually asked him "how many breasts do you lop off each year".  Oops that was a mistake.  He closed his file and looked perturbed.  He said that from the very first day I came into his rooms his nurse and he agreed that I was going to be a difficult and an aggressive patient.  Then he said he can only work with patients where there is a good respect for one another and he started to walk out of the room clearly threatening not to perform the surgery.

How could a professional talk to his patient like this only half an hour before surgery?  I had been psyched up for a week to lose my breast.  I had been told that I had a cancer that killed 25% of those who had it at my grade.  I was 100% emotionally prepared for the surgery and half an hour before I 'm wheeled into theatre this professional tells me he doesn't want to operate because I had the wrong attitude. 

What does a girl do?  She bursts into tears of course and the stresses of the last week were released in front of a man I did not want to express emotion to.

Richard stepped in front of the surgeon exiting the room and held his hands up saying "now lets all clam down, Alison didn't mean to offend you.  We know you are a top surgeon. We really want you to perform the operation".  The surgeon slowed down.  I was feeling a little nervous.  You don't want a pissed off surgeon operating.  Part of me wanted to say "well fuck off then arsehole" (I have never said this to any one but that doesn't stop me from wanting to say it).  The other part of me knew there was no alternative.  If I didn't grovel and pacify the surgeon I would be stuck with the cancer for another four weeks.  Not a nice option.  Grovelling was the only option.  I also reassured the poor man that we had a deep respect for his abilities and we would really like him to operate.  I also suggested that maybe he wasn't comfortable with me because we had similar personalities.

He agreed to operate.  It was not a good way to be wheeled into theatre but I had no choice.

My feeling to this day is that this surgeon has an emotional need himself to see a woman break down in tears.  If she doesn't do this then there is something wrong with her.  She must be too tough to successfully operate on.  Someone later described the surgeon as having short man syndrome and someone else, another medical specialist who works closely with him said he is an absolute pig, but a brilliant surgeon who really fights for his patients.  What can a girl do?  What is the point of laying a complaint?  Our community needs this man in spite of his despicable bedside manner.

The surgery was routine and successful.  The breast was removed without complication.  The tissue of the breast and my lymph nodes were sent to pathology and I woke up with my devoted husband and daughter crying with relief by my bedside.  I was relaxed and in no pain.  How could I be?  They have the most wonderful drugs.  It's so peaceful after surgery.  So relaxed.  I like drugs.

Family and friends visited.  People phoned. My friends and family love me.  My sister works in the hospital next door.  Why didn't she come to visit?  I haven't seen her since Mum's funeral.

Useful websites
www.cancerhelp.org.uk 

Alison Renfrew - Profile
Alison Renfrew - Financial Planner of the Year 
Alison coping with cancer